Ways to ensure you are your mother’s favorite child:
1) Allow her cheese pizza to get a perfect crust, and let her plate and slice it while still hot. Pour your cup of water on her plate to cool it down. You just saved her life.
2) Ask for a piece of her now-soaked pizza. Swallow half without chewing; chew the other half thoroughly. Spit the masticated half on to her plate. Smile. Show all teeth.
3) Take her ginger ale and backwash any remaining pizza bits into her cup for an improved mouthfeel. She’ll love it.
4) Poke her pizza, just to make sure you want it. You want it. Take it. FAST.
5) Repeat steps 2-4 until all food is gone. Cry when you realize your cup is empty. Throw it against the wall. Realize your cup wasn’t empty. Laugh. — Sincerely,
The Third Child